Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
