Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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