I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
