I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
where are my eyebrows?
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