It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
