I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
