I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
