I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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