Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
