I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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