Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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