New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
