I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I want her autograph on my taint
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
