Will you blow on my dice?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
