a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
