I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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