at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
