Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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