Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
