after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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