I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
