You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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