my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
be right there i have to get my cape
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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