if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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