can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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