it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
