I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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