got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
