i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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