his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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