The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
