Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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