theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
