It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
