I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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