Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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