if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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