i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
