Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
