I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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