it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
