Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
