Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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