So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You can't just leave with hair like that
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
