Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
