why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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