After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
