I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
