I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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