Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
