I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
