I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
