I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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