ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
